Day-to-day living got easier. I had a scheduled routine with work. I was able to walk and move every day. I had new things to learn, which kept my mind occupied. I still needed to save some money and buy a car, but I was on the right track.
I asked my manager if there was a way I could make more money, because, like I said, I still needed to buy a car. She said that I could work third shift and that it paid more. My friend that took me to work also worked third shift so this seemed like a perfect plan. He could drop me off on his way to work and pick me up on his way home. He worked twelve hour shifts, so this also allowed me to be at work for around fourteen hours. I figured this was a good plan to save some extra cash and work towards buying my first car.
This turned out to be harder than I thought. Getting used to yet another routine didn’t work out well for me. At first I thought it would be ok because I’ve always thought of myself as a night owl. Working third shift, no pun intended, is a completely different animal that I wasn’t even remotely ready for. I tried to adjust to staying up all night, but that only brought back memories of when I was using meth and staying up all night. The ride to and from work was panic inducing as well. I was afraid at any moment we were going to be pulled over and dragged out of the car for going around in the middle of the night. I realize that that train of thought is completely wacky, but that was where my brain was. I had trouble sleeping during the day and I felt like I was missing out on what I had started to create for myself, which was a new normal routine. One that prioritized a routine sleep schedule and being awake during the day. I was also having trouble staying awake all night. I could feel the defeat creeping into my body. I stuck with it for a month and tried to stay positive.
After a month or so went by I was able to afford my new car. It was the first car that I had ever bought in my whole life. I expected to go to the car dealership and for them to tell me that they didn’t sell cars to drug addicted losers. I expected them to tell me that they had looked into my background and that they didn’t trust me to make payments. I expected them to tell me that they didn’t insure drunks and that I would need someone to cosign for me. Turned out though that all those fears were unfounded. I test drove two different cars and ended up going with the first one I drove. I felt as though I needed to hurry up and pay and get out of there before they realized who I used to be and what I had done in my life. I didn’t necessarily feel unworthy, but I didn’t feel like a “normal” citizen. I felt like a guy waiting to get caught and held accountable for what I had done at every turn in my life. I felt as though at any moment the hammer would drop and someone would say, “Okay Justin, that’s enough, we know that you used to be a drunk and a druggie and we don’t trust guys like you.”