The next few weeks and months went by and I spent the time reinventing myself and working. I started losing weight, I bought all new clothes, I changed my hair style and color, all while still deeply mourning the loss of my relationship and, of course, smoking meth. I was trying to find the old confident, tell it like it is guy while trying also to be a kinder version of that. I thought that being a mean gay in my younger years wasn’t quite the way to go. I know that kind of thing is looked on by some as a mark of “cool” or “put together” and it had always gotten me the attention I craved, but it also felt very wrong. At my core, I have always wanted to be a helper and a servant, an advocate. I was trying to find that delicate balance between the smart-ass and the pushover.
For the next few months everything seemed to be falling into place. I was starting to lose weight, I was making new “friends” (drug friends aren’t friends, they are just people that hang out with you because you supply drugs, you buy the drugs, or you condone the use), and folks on Grindr started to show me more attention. This newly found attention is exactly what I was craving. I had been a hateful, ugly, drunk for so long and now I was a kinder, more outgoing reinvention of who I thought I wanted to be. Customers at work started to notice my transformation and noticed that I was working harder and longer hours and I was receiving that validation that I so desperately thought I needed. People started praising my weight loss and asking me how I was bettering my life. I would tell them that I had quit drinking and that I was now a vegetarian, while both of those things were true, I omitted the fact that I was also a newly relapsed meth user.
Things went on this way for a while and eventually the hook ups and nightlife wasn’t quite enough for me. I remember thinking that I wanted my house to be the house of fun. I wanted my house to be the place that people gathered to have a safe space to be who they wanted to be and more over I wanted to share the stuff I had, both drugs and other things like my love of music, conversation, food, diy projects, and service. I also wanted someone to share it with, a new boyfriend. I had met a lot of guys on Grindr, but most of the guys I looked for were other drug users, as I had no intentions on quitting meth at the time. I wanted someone with my same “interest” to start sharing my new life with. I wanted to find someone who wanted to be with me for who I was and didn’t judge me. People sometimes say “Be careful what you wish for”, and I found out in spades what that phrase meant the hard way.
It was a week or two before Christmas, I had been talking off and on to this guy on Grindr and we seemed to really hit it off. This guy and I had a ton of things in common, we liked the same movies and music, we both had similar interests and he was down on his luck a little bit. He was between jobs, but said he was actively looking and that impressed me. Having the same job for years also put me in a unique position, as I was able to recommend people and they would usually be given a chance. We had also been talking and I told him that i had just broken up with my boyfriend about six months prior and that this was going to be the first Christmas that I had spent alone in forever. He said that if I came and picked him up that we could hang out, see how things went, and then maybe we could spend Christmas together. He said that he had made plans with his friends, but that he was willing to break them, if we got along and the we could have a great holiday season getting to know each other. We decided on a day that I would go pick him up and that was that. I don’t remember what day it was, but I headed over to the address that he gave me and upon arrival messaged him. No answer. Then, I called him. No answer. I thought GREAT, what an asshole. I headed home a little sad and a little defeated. I decided that was ok that I would just go on, not answer his messages if he text, and that’s EXACTLY (plus block him) what I should have done.
A day or two went by, he messaged me and apologized, I probably said something shady, I don’t remember. Later that night I got a message from someone on Grindr saying they were at the store down the road and that they were going to stop by. I thought it was on of my friends being weird or playing a joke, so I said, “come on by,” not thinking much of it at the time. I didn’t really think anyone was going to show up. A few minutes later, the same person messaged me and said that they were being dropped off at my house and that they would be knocking on my door soon. Again, I thought this was one of my friends playing a joke or something. Then, there was a knock at my door. It startled me because I thought they had been joking and of course I was smoking meth in my living room and all my drugs and pipes were laying out in the open. I yelled hang on a minute. My door didn’t have a peep hole, so I had no idea who it was. I ran to my room, hid all my stuff, and then came back out and opened the front door. Standing in front of me was the guy that I had gone to go pick up just a few days before. I was shocked and didn’t know what to think.
I invited him in and he immediately made himself at home. He then asked what the smell was in my house and before could answer he said that he knew it was dope. He said knew that I was a meth head and asked if we could smoke. I went to my room and got my stuff and we smoked and talked for several hours. I was lonely and depressed so meeting someone who “wanted” to stay and chat was exactly what I was looking for, a “friend”.
At some point he talked about sleeping together and I made excuses and shared more drugs and redirected the conversation. He later on that night said he could tell I wasn’t interested, I just wasn’t saying so, and he was right. I found him to be charismatic, but a little too cocky and something felt off about the whole situation to me.
Then things started getting even weirder. I had mentioned a few time that it was time to take him home and he would change the conversation. I eventually said he could stay another night and that he could help me at work the next day and that he could make some money and then I could take him home. The next day came, and he pretended to be asleep. No matter how much I yelled or shook him he would not wake up and would not move.
I decided to go to work that day and just deal with it when I got home. It goes without saying that that was a big mistake. While I was at work he proceeded to call his friends and to video chat on his phone showing everything in my house, every room, inside every closet, and in every cabinet.
I returned home later that day and again told him he had to go home. He then turned the conversation to the price I was paying for my meth and the inferior quality of said drugs. He said he knew I was almost out and that he could get me a better deal through one of his friends. I agreed to go to the person’s house and reup on my drugs and paid a lower price. The person didn’t have the drugs, but said they would bring it by my house later, which they did. This turned out to be a terrible night. I again asked him to leave or let me take him home and he refused. He said that he had cancelled all of his plans with his friends and family because I had gone on and on talking about how lonely I was and that I wanted to spend Christmas with someone. I didn’t know what to say. In my head, I felt really bad that this guy had gone and done all of that just because I had said so. I felt responsible and agreed to let him stay a few more days. I was a little scared at the time by his refusal to leave. I had never encountered anything like that before. It kind of felt like my fault.
What I didn’t realize at the time, until I found it a little later, is that his friend had left their gun in my house. I didn’t know what to do. I had never been around guns. I felt like I should let him know immediately, which I did. I handed him the gun, he took it and asked me if I remembered saying no to sex a few nights before, I stared at him. He pointed the gun at my face and said, “I bet you’ll get naked now, bitch.”